Friday, August 5, 2011

Friday Funny

From an email this morning, forwarded by my retired husband, an anti-shopper:

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.  Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.  Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:
Dear Mrs. Harris, 

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras: 

 1.  June 15 :   He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking. 

2.  July 2 :   Set all the alarm clocks in housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals. 

(Number 3 has been removed because it wasn't funny, just ugly)

4.  July 19 :   Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. 

5.  August 4 :   Went to the service desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway. 

6.  August 14 :   Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area. 

7.  August 15 :   Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged. 

 8.  August 23 :   When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called. 

 9.  September 4 :   Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose. 

10.  September 10 : While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were. 

11.  October 3 : Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme. 

 12.  October 6 :   In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna  look' by using different sizes of funnels. 

13.  October 18 :   Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!' 

14.  October 21 : When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!' 

 And last, but not least: 

15.  October 23 :   Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out. 
Who would have thought it was easier shopping with multiple toddlers than one retired husband? I think the moral here is to let him stay home. It's often better if he doesn't see what you're buying anyway.Photobucket  

Apparently men have never liked to shop:


SkippyMom said...

I hate shopping, so I can appreciate it. I had to saw ewww to a couple of the lines, especially the tomato juice one. It would've been funny without that in there.

And the last one, using the dressing room as a bathroom happens so often to the poor retail clerks in real life I feel so bad and would never work retail again for that reason alone.

I did laugh at the "PICK ME!" line. heehee

Knitty said...

I meant to delete that line before posting but I got distracted. I removed it now. I have a warped sense of humor that excuses a lot, but that really wasn't the least bit amusing.

Now on the last one, it never entered my head that this would ever be a serious problem for anyone working retail. How sad and sick are some people? While not the funniest line of the bunch, I'm leaving that one alone for those of us who would laugh at the silliness of a prankster saying that without ever truly creating any sort of mess.

Sewconsult said...

Loved them all. My hubby forward it to me some time ago. The only place that my dh likes to shop is Sam's Club. However, if I ask him to "look for" something, he has to know which area, what the labeling is on the items, etc. I do like to see what's new and browse if it is a pain-free day. I truly avoid shopping beside him. I take a cart and go in another direction and let him go on his own.

I did go in a dressing room once that had been used as a restroom. It was horrible. What kind of person does that or lets their child to that? UGH!

Chatty Crone said...

My husband HATES to go shopping with me and if I bring him - he won't let buy anything - so I don't bring him with me!