Unspoken sarcasm saves my day

A sense of humor keeps me going. Sometimes the humor is dark, skewed and not something I'd share with everyone, but it prevents me from getting into trouble by defusing anger or saying something that might hurt someone's feelings.

A friend is going though family drama with her adult kids. I am not laughing at her pain and my observations would not be welcome so I listen and nod, but oh my....she has turned into her mother, something she vowed she would not do. She is attempting to rule with an iron fist at all that, and it isn't going well.

Perhaps I watched too many cartoons at an impressionable age, but while she was venting to me about what was going on versus what should be happening, I felt like a light bulb might have appeared above my head when I realized this was a conversation from 30 years ago with her as the mom instead of the ungrateful child. I know I don't have a poker face but thankfully, my look was interpreted as shock that her kids would be so thoughtless. Picture me with a zippered mouth, trying not to look up to see if there was, indeed, a light bulb over my head.

Do you have people in your life that you can't (to use a Facebook term) unfriend ? I'm sure we all do. Most of the time, their foibles (I love that word!) roll off my back, but occasionally those foibles get caught in clothing and annoy the heck out of me. I was getting twitchy over one such person in my life when I decided to simply adopt the Southern phrase "bless her heart" with all of its condescending connotations. I suspect this person has directions posted next to her mirror that remind her

• Breathe In
• Breathe Out
• Repeat as needed, throughout the day

Notice that doesn't say Inhale and Exhale? Looking up those big words in the dictionary might take too long and she'd fall down and go boom. Bless her heart.

Yesterday I went to the Apple store because my iPad died. I suspect the inspiration for Angry Birds came from someone's iPad or iPhone failure. My appearance was much like this between iPad death and iPad resurrection.

The Apple store is in an open air mall that I seldom visit for a variety of reasons. The mall is dog friendly. This isn't why I don't go there often, but it could become a reason.

I love dogs and I have no problem with service dogs in public, but I don't see a need to take your family pet to Nordstrom or Sephora. Where this mall is located, it is highly unlikely that anyone simply strolls there from their neighborhood while walking Fido and decides to pop into a store because something in the window is so tempting.

The mall is five years old and has attractive brickwork for the walkway between stores. Of course I parked at the wrong end of the mall to be near Apple....it is what I do and then pretend I meant to do that because I should exercise more. As I was hurrying to get to Apple for my 11:30 appointment, I noticed a woman seated on a bench, scrapping her shoes. She hadn't seen the deposit someone's dog left on the brick and stepped in it. A mall employee was scrubbing away at the brick with a stiff broom and water. I'm betting neither of them were happy with the mall being dog friendly.

The iPad was repaired (whew!) and as I turned from the counter at the back of the store, I noticed a woman with a small poodle near the doors. The poodle peed a puddle (I love alliteration!) and the dog owner pretended not to notice. Out she went, leaving a surprisingly large puddle for someone in the store to clean up.

On my way back to the car, I stopped to look at the Swarovski window display. A couple with a huge Boxer went inside. The dog may have been the best trained dog in the world but why does any dog need to go into a store full of crystal???

I felt myself growing agitated but what could I do? I could imagine things that would make me smile! Hmmm, does anyone have an elephant I could borrow? I could track down the dog and owner who left the deposit for the woman to step in and go visit their front porch. Maybe the back porch too, just in case they aren't front door people.

Should I take the elephant to the poodle's house or is there an animal that urinates in greater amounts? Since I need to get the animal inside the house, an elephant isn't the best choice. Research will need to be done.

I will cut the Boxer a break since I don't know that he did any harm in the store, but I may visit that couple with a preschool class that has eaten grape jelly sandwiches and chocolate covered grahams on the way to their home. The kids might not touch a thing. I'd just like to watch the couple sweat it out.

Quietly, sarcastically yours,
Knitty

Bless your hearts. Mine too.