Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Sufferin' succotash....the Spanx story

 Remember the cartoon character who said Sufferin' succotash in such an exasperated manner? That could have been me yesterday....

Just wait until I see Dr O, the woman I thought was my friend.

"Try Spanx" she said, "You'll love them!"

"I wear them all the time" said Jennifer, her assistant.

I told them about the time I tried a less expensive brand. I wrote about it here.  Oh no, they assured me, Spanx are the real deal and make a world of difference. I believed them and bought a pair.

They both said putting them on the first time is a bit difficult, but once on, they're great. There is an opening in the crotch so you don't have to get completely undressed when you need to tinkle.

I ordered a pair and decided to try them today. Maybe they would push up all the extra poundage and I would need a G cup when I went to the bra fitting today! (For those that know me, this is beyond a hilarious thought or image!)

I waited until I was completely dry from showering. Because the Spanx are returnable if I am not 100% satisfied, I thought I would try them today over cotton panties.

Remembering Dr O's advice, I waited until after nature's other call had been answered before I attempted to shimmy into this contraption.

At 11:30 AM I took the Spanx out of the box. Uh-oh, they've sent the wrong size! These were meant for Barbie, right? Hmm, the tag reads the same as what I ordered and they do stretch...

At 11:35 I've read everything on the box and packing slip. None of the info pertains to getting into the garment. I took off my right hand ring and hoped my fingernails wouldn't go through the garment while tugging.

11:40  My left leg is in the Spanx up to my knee and I attempt to put my right leg in the other opening. I cannot stand and do this. I sit down and find that my foot is entirely too long to go easily into the garment at that angle. I lower the Spanx already on my left leg and roll the right side to make it easier to get into. Ha!
11:50  It occurs to me WHY Dr O has recommended these things. She is a chiropractor! I am now a human pretzel, complete with salt. Despite air conditioning, I've broken into a sweat.

11:55  Both legs are now in and my knees are touching. They've never touched quite like this before. My legs look like this:  )( 

11:58  Should I try to pee again before I get any further?

11:59  I can't walk like this so scratch that idea.

12:00  First attempt to pull the Spanx up further. Oh sure, they stretch and I can almost get the waistband (actually meant to go higher and stop just under my bra) to my waist, but the crotch is still 1/4 inch from my knees.

12:05 - 12:20  Multiple attempts at rearranging me, rearranging the Spanx, wiping sweat away, pinning up my hair and swearing at the happy people on the box.

12:25  Looking at the amount of me blossoming above constricting waistband, I wonder if I will have red or purple marks for a day, a week or a month where progress has stalled.

12:30 Consider going downstairs from some Crisco, WD-40 or at least ice (both to reduce mid-section swelling and to cool off)

12:35 Suck in everything suck-able, do the old heave-ho number and pull as if your life depends on it and voila! .... the Spanx are almost in place. Kinda. Sorta.  The crotch is still too low, the waistband still isn't where it should be, but most of my jiggle is confined.

12:40  Stretch, finger walk, tug, and plea bargain with God to get the crotch and waistband into place.

12:45 Stop and look in the mirror. Hey! Not bad!   I can't get the back "waist band" up high enough because I am not a contortionist. Ponder asking Bill (who isn't home now, but for next time) and wonder how much laughter I would have to endure.

12:48 As I am standing there thinking Dr O and Jennifer are right, that they really aren't uncomfortable, the band begins to roll on my right side. No! I pull it back into place and while doing so the left side rolls.

I decide to go to the bra fitting in them anyway and ask the lady there what she thinks. I take a shopping bag to put the Spanx in if I decide to remove them at the store.

1:00 Good grief, that took a long time. I am hungry. I'd better not eat yet though. If I drink, I'll have to pee. There may be an opening in the crotch, but remember,  I have cotton panties on underneath all of this.

1:05  I grab my keys and head to my car.

1:06  Oh my gosh, this thing makes you sit up STRAIGHT. My hair is hitting the lining of my car roof. The seat is all the way back. If I decide to wear Spanx often, I am going to need a new car!

1:20  Arrive at bra store and tell the woman what I am wearing and why before we even get into the fitting room. She says "Oh yeah, people tell me that all the time about Spanx".
1:30 After bringing in the first few bras to try on, she looks at me and says "no wonder you have trouble with bras that have a band under the cups and with those Spanx, you are very short waisted".

1:31  I begin to cry. I remove the Spanx. Store owner pats me on the shoulder, hands me a kleenex and takes me to McDonald's for a Big Mac, fries and a super size shake.

McDonald's was out of napkins so we wiped up our spill with the Spanx.


Holly, the Old Western Gal said...

I knew the wife of a plastic surgeon, and she gave me a "secret hint" about liposuction: She said to wear Spanx and you would not feel like eating and would lose weight dramatically if you wear them every moment except showering. But she said it is MISERABLE.

Whoever invented Spanx ought to get spanked for sure!!!

Blondie's Journal said...

OMG!! I am laughing hysterically. I don't EVEN want to try these out now. I go crazy with pantyhose!!


andrea said...

i haven't laughed this hard in a LONG time! i'm crying here!!! you are such a hoot, and you crack me up :))

The Urban Chic said...

Knit, your humor had me crying and laughing at the same time. Now I have this vision of pulling my waist up to my chin. I have a bra tank top that is like that and I only wear it when needed for a nice slimming fit with a top or dress. You are a hoot girl. Still haven't forgotten your humor from the good ole days of MSN. Hugs, Pat

Chatty Crone said...

This is the funniest blog ever! I am with you every step of the way!

This gal - who invented spanx - made big money and got married a couple of years ago - wearing spanx!

Some people love them I am with you!

sandie w/♥